Meghan Trainor’s hit song ‘All About That Bass’ might be bringing booty back, but there is never any reason to over exploit your gluteus maximus to the point of gross vulgarity. I feel we have moved on from the age-old question haunting our posteriors – Does this make my butt look big? – and into newer, perkier territory. It’s ok if it’s big (just ask Kim K) but the question is now so much more dimensional. Eek.

When it comes to choosing a pair of jeans that will flatter and highlight your most voluptuously volatile asset – so many factors come into play that it can feel like trying to trick the speed of light by using quantum physics. Actually, that’s kind of exactly what it is. Or in a word – Science.

Don’t let people look down on you for asking if your favorite skinnies make your bottom bulge. You are a scientist, and as any good scientist will know, step one is to experiment. Test out theories, get results, test some more, etc. Because no single body type stands alone, and when it comes to jeans, we all need to find our unique niche.

However, finding ‘the one’ can be a problem thanks to all the variables. We know darker fabrics are for slimming, but too dark creates ‘oneness’ of butt and thigh – something we never want. Lighter highlights, but too faded in certain area’s creates fullness and can draw attention to the wrong place. Seriously, who needs that in their lives? Flappy pockets for volume or plain. Embellished to draw attention or to distract. Not to mention the effect boot-leg, straight-leg, boyfriend-cut and skinny can make on a girls posterior.

Weekends spent trawling the malls, setting up camp in changing cubicles with trick mirrors and trickier lighting is a task I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, net alone my gorgeous readers! That kind of crap could take years off any fasionistas life.

Which is why I decided to do the work for you – and after hours of scientific research I have found that it is All About the Pockets. Regardless of your body-shape, the pocket placement can make or break the end result.

 

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Here are 5 tips for finding the very best jeans to give your tush the accolade it deserves.

 

High vs Low

Nothing flattens out a bottom faster than a long, low-hanging pocket. This is when it covers most of your butt, and doesn’t stop there but goes down over the crease where your thigh begins, and keeps on going, like one of those terrible nightmares you just can’t wake up from, or like this sentence. The effect is saggy, as though your butt doesn’t have an end but rather droops into your legs like batter from a cake tin that didn’t quite seal at the bottom. I’m convinced that even the smallest, perkiest of bottoms can’t counteract this horrifying effect. Mom-Jean Alert!

pink_shoe Shopping Tip: Make sure the tip of the pocket never crosses the crease line

 

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Square vs Triangle

 

“Fashion is architecture: it is a matter of proportions.” – Coco Chanel

 

Even though we are dealing with curves, this is a perfect time to get angular. A square breaks up space in equal proportions where as a triangle or rectangle will draw the attention in the direction of the longest line.

pink_shoe Shopping Tip: Play with shapes to divide up your nether-area in equal, neat sections.

 

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Embellished vs Plain

While a little bedazzling never hurt anyone, and I can’t believe I am about to say this, but there comes a time when you need to step away from the glitter-buffet. Too much detail on a pocket can create volume and draw the eye right to the exact area you might be trying to minimize. The same goes for flaps, embroidery and elaborate designs. If you absolutely must have something fancy about your jeans, go for a funky all-over print rather than focusing it on the one weary area.

On the other end of the spectrum, if you don’t have much going on in the booty department… bling it away, baby!

pink_shoe Shopping Tip: Be aware of what you are trying to achieve and then repeat after me; Lots of detail equals lots of ass – little detail equals little ass.

 

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(good to note here that the back yolk – the line just above the pockets and below the waist band – is almost always more flattering when it is in a V shape. This creates lift and curve in the best possible way, while a straight line might make the back end look more ‘boxy’ than it is. So even though the bum looks bigger in the second photo here thanks to embellished pockets, it looks rounder and more pert than the plain pocketed one on top thanks to it’s V-shaped back yolk)

 

Centre Placement vs Side Placement

Once again it’s all in the proportions. To make your derriere more délicieux, break up the expanse by placing the pockets as centrally as possible. A pocket that wraps half way around your hip will make your bum look as though it is trying to engulf you in all its glory.

pink_shoe Shopping Tip: Once on, the jean pockets should be as straight and central as possible, spaced equally in the middle of the outer hip and the central stitching.

 

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Symmetry

Last but not least, I have to just say something about the equality of the pocket placement. Often times a pair of jeans may seem like a good idea because the price is right. But before you rush to the till with those R150-a-pop atrocities, check that they have not been put together by a blind seamstress in the dark during an earthquake. When putting these jeans on, my exquisitely bottomed friend pulled a face at the very feel of the fabric. When she turned around I was not surprised in the least to find that the pockets weren’t even remotely sewn symmetrically.

pink_shoe Shopping Tip: Money isn’t everything, but beware of the cheap&nasty!

 

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Round Up:

pink_shoe Every body is different, and ever shape will look unique in its own way. My shopping tips can help as a starting point, (and maybe you won’t need to gather quite as many items to haul into the dressing room with you), but you are still going to need to try a few pairs on to find what works best for you.

pink_shoe Know your body, know what you want, and then go out there with a mission and a mirror. If you bring a hand mirror in your purse you can use it to see the back of your body in the changing room mirror rather than twisting around and not getting a true reflection of your ass.

pink_shoe OR if you want to get even more scientific, a timeless quote from Clueless couldn’t be more apt – “I don’t trust mirrors so I always take polaroids” – Cher. Cellphone Selfie, ladies!

pink_shoe When it comes to pockets, stay away from the ‘Too’s – Too small, too big, too long, too short, too embellished, too tri-angular, too dark, too faded. When in doubt, go with the safest option of all – plain.

 

And there you have it. The bottom line in making your bottom as bodacious as it deserves to be. Of course, no one size fits all, and at the end of the day you should always wear what makes you happy. So follow my tips or don’t – just do what you like and what makes you feel good! (My favorite Cavalli jeans break all the rules, but I love them so much I will never not wear them.)

Go forth, my glamazonians, and be beautiful, inside and out.

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