It’s funny to think that Before Baby (BB) I was a completely different person. Sure I look the same on the outside, but inside something has shifted. Suddenly my perception of certain things is totally changed:

pink_shoeFACEBOOK PROFILE

BB: The profile pic of a mom with her baby. Are you no longer an individual? Do you now wrap your identity up in that tiny creature hanging off you? Just post a pic of yourself and save the baby shots for the family album.

NOW: Of course your profile picture is of you and baby! That baby has come out of your body, and is still a part of you. Someone told me that your body is your baby’s whole world – and it sure is. You are the earth. He is a permanent resident of that earth, and without your gravitational pull will float off to sure destruction. So new mommies, go ahead and post those dual-profile pictures. I now understand he is merely an extension of you (and why not be proud of that?)

pink_shoeLEAVING THE HOUSE

BB: What on earth could take so long? I once had a friend who arrived so late that she missed the entire dinner and only had coffee after desert with us.

NOW: Please don’t ask me to do anything before 11am? I’m not sleeping in till 10, if that’s what you were thinking, I have been up since 8-weeks-ago but can not seem to get all things done in time to leave the house before midday. If you want me to appear semi-put together (without the help of a full team of experts), and my baby to be relatively fuss free thus enabling me to engage in any way what-so-ever, then he needs to be fed, burped, puke and poo free, and well slept literally RIGHT before we leave the house, which takes time. I may have had my first cup of coffee at 5am, but he needs the prep of a movie star to face the world.

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pink_shoeGOING TO THE LOO

BB: What’s with all these moms complaining that all they want is to go to the loo in peace? Just close the door. Done.

NOW: He isn’t even crawling yet and I have lost all bathroom privileges. I have to shower with the bouncy chair on the floor right in front of the open shower door or he starts to cry. Same goes for having a wee (don’t you judge me!) In fact, if I need the bathroom door closed for any reason, I have to wait for Husband to get home and take the little lord from me so I can have a few minutes privacy.

pink_shoeSOCIAL INTERACTION

BB: These stay-at-home or maternity-leave moms have all the time in the world! Look how much they are on FB.

NOW: FB is my ONLY connection to the outside world. So if I snatch peaks at my newsfeed during 2am babyfeeds, (and 5am, 8am, 11am, 1pm, 3pm, 5pm, 6pm, 6.30pm, 9pm and 12) it’s only to create the illusion that I am still a social human interacting with others my own age. Thank the pope for smartphones and wifi! Sharing an article means I actually read it – Bonus points to me if it’s not baby related (thank you) and forgiveness if it’s a video clip of a dad changing a poo nappy. That #@% just got so real to me, and it’s hysterical!

pink_shoeBACK PAIN

Actually, I’m not even going to elaborate. Mom’s know. We all know what real back pain, shoulder spasms, wrist stiffness, arm fatigue and pinched necks feel like now!

pink_shoeBABY BRAIN

BB: Women should really remember that they are a person too, and shouldn’t only talk about babies all the time. You were once an interesting unique individual who had thoughts and opinions and could hold your own in a conversation about current events. Why, you could recommend a handbag to go with an outfit while running a business for pete’s sake!

NOW: I only have so many hours in a day and all of them seem to be filled with worries about keeping my baby alive. Research. Questions. I find that I am constantly reading and speaking with anyone willing to converse about this child, his rash, how to get him to bath without screaming, if feeds are spaced correctly, why he’s suddenly cluster feeding, when I should get his hearing tested, if reading to him now is beneficial, how much sleep is too much or should I wake him to feed again, his reflux is worse – could it be my diet? when the next baby expo will be, if nipple guards really do protect from bleeding, when I can take him on a plane, if the bouncy chair will damage his neck development, which chiropractor is the best one for caesar babies, how much milk to pump, why he has those bumps, when the reflex responses will kick up a notch, how to interpret that new cry…..it never ends. And just when we get past one thing, the next one starts. Just like the food-in/food-out conveyor belt.

pink_shoeFACEBOOK (the picture issue)

BB: Come on, another picture of your little one doing something you seem to find impossibly adorable? Enough already!

NOW: Not only is my child as sweet as a butt-load of puppies, he is honestly the most gorgeous human ever to have been created! Right?! How could I not share his overwhelming cuteness with ya’ll. I’m a giver, after all.

pink_shoeSTUFF

BB: You say you envy that I have all this time to dedicate to stuff? We all have the same amount of time. We all get 24 hours every day. It’s about time management, not time! (yes, I want to slap myself now too)

NOW: HAHAHAHAHA! Time management? Could I have been any more of a non-mom!? Before the center of my universe arrived on this planet, I could make clothes, visit places, cook dinners, chill with Husband, go to the gym, watch movies, teach piano, play piano, listen to friends problems, wrap carefully chosen birthday gifts, read books, write books too believe it or not… Now I consider it a productive day if I end up making it through 12 hours without getting vomit in my hair. My half done projects are lying in a pile on my dusty dining room table and my former glory as a domestic goddess has been diminished to take-aways and defrosted quick-meals. Writing books is a joke – I can barely get it together to edit an existing manuscript. As for reading? If it isn’t baby related, it ain’t gonna happen.

pink_shoeSHOPPING

BB: I’m just going to pop down to the woolies for milk / run into the waterfront for a new gym top / drive over to the southern suburbs to find that dress in my size.

NOW: You have to be kidding me. No groceries left in the house? What do you call this half an onion at the back of the fridge and can of chakalaka? I’m sure we can squeeze dinner out of that.

As before mentioned, leaving the house has become an impossible task. With the added admin of carrying the pram down the stairs, packing the car, transferring baby from car-seat to pram and back again at each stop (with all the folding and unfolding of wheels and bassinets and metallic structures and adjustable handles…) it just isn’t worth it to ‘pop’ down anywhere. I try to make one giant effort when I have to take him to a baby appointment, and everything else will have to wait for someone else to do it.

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pink_shoeUNDERWEAR, AND THIS BLOG

BB: I won’t let a child get in the way of my blossoming career as a freelancer. Writing is so convenient because I can do it from home. Deadlines won’t be a problem at all.

NOW: Well, the first month of motherhood I missed my first deadline. Books have become blog posts, and even then, when I find time to write (like now) it’s in my PJ’s with this little guy propped up right next to me because if he senses that my body-heat is more than 2 meters away from him he goes ballistic. Rather keep him on me, and keep him panic-free. Priorities: I can shower with the next how-ever-many minutes I have before he needs something again, or I can grab my laptop and put in my best attempt. So please excuse the lack of bra.

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